The Day I Lost Myself Again...

It’s been six months since my last blog….six months? How did this happen? Just like my keys it seems as though I have lost myself again. Been searching everywhere in this house of mine and I still can’t manage to find them. I’m left flying around like a madwoman, desperate, pained to find the keys that will give me the freedom to go where I need to be-a place somewhere in between satisfied and fulfilled.

I keep telling myself to put myself back up in a place where this won’t keep happening- but I don’t. I forget to be intentional even though I know how vital this is to my survival. Instead I find myself stuck thigh deep in the quicksand of the ever dangerous Mommy swamp. Now I’m looking up trying to find a rope, a branch to hold on to help me pull myself out. But it feels like nobody else is near.

Many times women land here because they read their map wrong. Directionally challenged, they have mistaken north for south and quickly find themselves off course. Some Mommy’s just decide that the map they’ve been given is just too hard so they throw it away and create their own path as they go along. Others like me don’t see the “Warning Mommy Swamp” sign and walk straight in it.

Once again focused on pleasing everybody else I lost my sense of caution. Moving panicky forward, forgetting the risk of going too fast, being undernourished, and taking my eye off the map. I am stuck- and my hero is somewhere on the island stuck in a swamp of his own. He is usually the one that gives me his rope to hold on to- but not this time. I have gotten myself here in this place again and it is nobody’s fault but my own.

Embarrassed to scream for help I momentarily accept defeat and feel the weight of the quicksand beginning to pull me under.

“Hey girl, what’s up with you? Shida told me you needed a friend today.”
“Ahhh. I’m ok. Just having a bad day.”
“Well why don’t you come over and we can figure it out.”
“No girl. I don’t want you to see me this way. I'm a mess.”
“Whatever. Bring your butt over here now….I got gumbo.”

REACH OUT AND GRAB THE ROPE…
Rule #1-Never miss another girl’s night out,–especially when you know you need it. Beg, scream, and kick until you find a sitter or have the kids sit at another table across from you at the table-hide them under the table if need be or under your Happy Hour skirt.

REGAIN STRENGTH
Rule#2-Vent, vent, vent…get all the nasty toxins out of your mind and heart. When I arrived at Adrienne’s house she had a candle burning, a roll of toilet tissue and garbage bag, and a cup of hot tea. By the time we were finished I used half the roll of tissue, drank all my tea, and had enough strength to blow out the candle. By the way…Adrienne you are an awesome listener. I wanted you to fix it and you knew that wasn’t your job. Instead you gave me grace to just pour my heart out.

REPLENISH
Rule #3-Go watch the best chick flick you can find that makes you feel like a woman and reminds you of the YOU….you temporarily left behind. And Shida you were right chick flicks are not to be watched alone… Also sneak in your favorite grub at the theater, remove make-up so you have a clean face prepared for the tears that will come from a place of laughter, surrender, or hurt. Yes, every emotion needs to be reached to fully recover the neglect you have endured.
Next,if you can't go shopping...take home a care package out of your girlfriend’s cabinets, closet, or refrigerator. I promise this last step will guarantee full recover or you can get your money back. I left Adrienne's with a gigantic bowl full of gumbo and rice..forgot to ask for the sweet and a purse or heels to borrow….

RETURN TO THE MAP
Rule #4- Return to the step you were last on that brought you joy and fulfillment. For me that would be my Bible, my ipod, my laptop, and my running shoes. Life hurts, its really really hard, and yes you even get stuck…but you gotta keep moving forward because…well….you just got to …

NOTE TO SELF: It’s your life V.
Many things you dreamed of have come true- many things you’ve fear too.
It may not be soon and it may not be quick, but gather yourself up girl and don’t ever quit.
And when you are lost and find yourself stuck, don’t be ashamed to say you arestuck in a rut.
Cry out for help, reach up for a hand...
Life’s struggles are too much, burdens are meant to be cared with your GIRLFRIENDS!

Thank you Shida and Adrienne….this blogs for you!!!
Love You….V

My Life As Its Coming....Birthday Reflections

For many years I believed the lie that God was holding out on me. Didn't matter if I was single, married, with or without child, with or without money...never seemed like my life was coming out exactly the way I thought it should.

And if it wasn't God holding out on me then it must of course be me. So I would set up these lofty dreams or incredible obstacles thinking that if I succeeded as I made them than I was worthy and deserving of the outcome. That was cool until I couldn't reach those dreams or goals.

Having children will force you to place your dreams aside. It is an indescribable honor and privilege to have the responsibility of a life in your arms. The call of motherhood was something I knew naturally I was created to do,but I had to leave my career and dreams in motion to do it. So what was I suppose to do with visions of my own youth as I nurtured and developed my young? I didn't want dust to collect on days of yest er year before I remembered who I use to be or what I had hoped to become. At the same time, it was profusely unnatural for me to ignore, abandon, or neglect God's extraordinary gifts I get to unwrap everyday -my love-my children.

This has been the struggle I've been waking up to and going to bed trying to solve for some time now...how do I balance my God-sized dreams with the call of being a wife and mother. Is it possible to do both?

So on my birthday morning I'm playing spiritual horoscope with my daily bread devotional. For real...( but I don't recommend this..it doesn't always work out in your favor). I open the pages praying to God that He would once and for all soothe this aching conflict in my soul. It would be the greatest birthday gift.

And this is what it said,

Proverbs 3:5,6 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths."

Seriously? I think I memorized this verse at age 9....OK? So I'm praying and waiting for something new to come to light....

Huh...in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your "paths" Was the "s" always on paths...that's new.

So there is more than one way to go that will lead me to His designed destiny for my life?..I like that.

The New King James Bible expands the same verse and says "In all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall smooth or straighten your paths."


I'm loving that....It's so good to know that when I get off track (because I will) He will put me back on course, but I got to acknowledge Him and tell Him that I'm lost. And if the road is less traveled by or has detours or what seems to be unfinished roads, I gotta trust Him. He is the great, "I am". He is more than capable to make a way where there was once no way. I can't lean on my own understanding (because it doesn't always make sense). The ride will get bumpy,there are many deep and wide potholes along the way (because life can be hard and so unpredictable). Yet He has promised to smooth the way.


Oh and it gets even better....

13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,

14 for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.

15 She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.

16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.

17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.

18 She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed.


Now that's a birthday blessing. I get to have it all!

I gain wisdom, some rubies, a long life, some "bling bling", peace of mind, and the best part ....

As a momma (tree of life literally) my branches aren't disconnected from me, my dreams and my roles are one in the same. As their trunk, as I expand, mature and continue to grow my children will benefit from the fruit God is developing in my life. Even though it looks and feels like an undeveloped orchard sometimes. I will trust that this garden-my life....is, was, and will be His plan all along the way....let the journey unfold.

Freedom to Become

Well my
journey
called,
"Becoming" began about three years ago. I was in one of the most depleted and depressed seasons of my life I have ever experienced and didn't even know it. Yearning for rest and wholeness I signed up for my church's annual retreat. The name of the retreat was called, "The Encounter". The post-encounter classes and preparation of that early 2007 spring weekend was more challanging than any "retreat" I had ever prepared for. This was not going to be a hang out with your girlfriends, eat some chocolate, and craft your way to happiness weekend. No, no this retreat would be focusing on the disciplines of fasting, solitude, and confession. As rigid as this format first appeared to me, once I opened my heart to the process my soul drank in gulps of the Living Water I had been thristing for.

Psalm 23 became alive and active as I began to repent, rest, and be restored. God's presence pursued me in every word, song, testimony, and exercise. I was overwhelmed with a healing I had never experienced before-a healing that I had desired for over 25 years. Yes I knew Jesus as my Savior ever since I was a little girl, but as a grown woman I was still waiting for Him to be my Healer. I eagerly accepted Him in my heart at age 8, and at the age 9 I was molested by a close family member.

There were years when I felt like I was forever healed of the memory, free from every nightmare. Married to the love of my life, blessed with three beautiful children and the priviledge to raise them, I was living free. But then something would trigger me and once again I would become shadows of that little girl curled up in a ball, scared and all alone. Yes I had been healed in pieces by soulful sermons, supportive sisters, and soothing songs but it was never enough.

I think I hold the world's greatest record for altar call appearances. Every time the call would be given, "Is there anybody out there who wants to be healed from their past?", I came running.
"Is there a woman here tonight who is the victim of a childhood tragedy?", I like the woman with the issue of blood would muster up all the courage I had and make my way.

I made a deal with God that this weekend was it! I was sick and tired of carrying molded shackles of shame, insecurity, and abandonment. Exhausted of holding on to these chains that He promised to rid me of. I was willing to risk once again putting it all on the line, if He promised He would come for me. Faith is such a risky thing, especially when it is something you have offered in prayer over and over again. And over and over again the response is temparory, the response is silence, the response is nothing. And with each unanswered plea the remaining faith you do manage to hold on to, is as shriveled and dry as a cracked autumn leaf.

But that weekend, to my surprise and delight- God did come for me.

He gave me my story back. In the wee hours of the morning He woke me up and gave me the ending of "Telling the Secret"-a recollection of my childhood that I have started and stopped for over 10 years. Also during one of our sessions, our Pastor's Wife, looked me flat footed, eye to eye and proclaimed, "You will write your story. The book will be completed. It will be a tool for others to be healed and free."

He gave me rest. He led me to green pastures and still waters. On beknown to me, the retreat we stayed at had a beautiful lake and a small pasture with horses that on my "free time" I found the path to.

He gave me back my confidence. The covering and care of God's precious, spiritual warriors that led us through, to each and every woman's personal breakthrough gave me a renewed strength and comfort that God indeed was still all loving, and all powerful.

And then I came home.

And for three days and three nights I experienced the greatest spiritual, mental, and emotional battle I had ever "encountered" in my life. So extreme that I was admitted to the mental ward of the South Washiington Medical Clinic and Hospital. Yet even in those hospital walls I was still forever different. The work he begun at the encounter he set in to motion as soon as I left that mountaintop. Even my devasting breakdown was a breakthrough. He wanted to put into play the safety, support, and system, that would ensure my plea- to keep me forever be free.

And for the past 31 months I've been walking in that freedom. Some paths shaky, others glorious. This blog is being created to give you a snapshots of what that journey has been and continues to be for me. Every day......I am "becoming" more and more of what that once scared, but now hopeful little girl dreamed she would be.

Thank-FULL-ness Day

For years I have struggled with finding a core significance to the day we call Thanksgiving. The Pilgrim's and the Mayflower weren't anything culturally I could relate to. Now the Native Americans were something a little bit more familiar being that I have some blackfoot blook running through my vains, but I also wondered if they regretted that first Thanksgiving feast. In my own world, for my whole entire life it was a day my parents filled us up with family, faith, and food. Giving me an emotional and spiritual connection with this American holiday. All I ever had to do was just show up!!


It wasn't until this Thanksgiving that I got to experience the possibilities of this day. You see for the first time in my whole life my momma wasn't here for Thanksgiving. She made her own personal pilgrimage to Kalamazoo to reconnect with her childhood, memories, and family. So I was forced to make a decision-pout or host.

I decided to host.

Eric and I were both nervous and excited. I mean with the reputation of fabulous cooks in our families you couldn't just hope to make something good-you HAD to make something good.

Spread out in the kitchen was a beautiful and delicious smoked turkey and prime rib. My honey put his "foot" in that turkey. Mom Brown brought the tradition dressing, sweet potatoes pies, homemade cranberry sauce. And the rest of us just filled in with our favorites and family members personal request. The food was amazing and we stuffed our selves full. I really should have went to the altar for prayer today. Seriously, every time I walked past the table I grabbed a piece of turkey..or pie...or cake..

But more important than the food was the abundance of love in our home. Every level of our little tri-level was filled with activity and joy. Hearing stories of my husbands' childhood,the giggles from children echoing down the stairs, shaking and crying uncontrollably at the clowning and joking rolling around the table. It was wonderful.

The highlights of the evening were 80 something year old Mrs. Rose playing cards with us. Watching her deciding to join in on life instead of just being a spectator silenced the fear of aging that had been growing in my mind. Witnessing the expressions of love and worship my daughter Aliyah offered up to our God in a praise dance. Cooking, cleaning, and creating this memory with my husband-thankful once again for the oneness that we share.

However what I am most thankful for is a deeper appreciation for what I got, who I am, and why I'm here. I got an amazing life, family, friends, and faith. I am a child of the King of Kings, I am royalty. And I am here to continue to pass down the legacy of love and laughter He has so lavishly poured down on me.

Happy thank-full Thanksgiving!!

Thank you Lord for all you've done for me.
It could of been me, outdoors ,with no food and no clothes
All left alone without a friend our just another number with a tragic end.

But you didn't see fit to let any of these things be.
And each day every hour you keep on keep on blessing me.
And I gotta say thank you Lord for all you've done for me! (Mary Mary-Thank You Lord)

Today Hope Won

November 4, 2008 A day of history that will forever be tucked in the depths of my soul, etched in the corners of my mind, and cherished in the chamber of my heart.My last dance with politics dates back to my Sophomre and Junior years of college on the campus of Lewis & Clark College. My first was as also an election were I won President of Beaumont Middle School. Yeah Obama you better be glad you weren't running against me. (smile) 


The writings, literature and works of African-American poets, writers, activist, and artist moved me in a way that transformed me.  I was a sociology/anthropology major and an african-american studies minor (even though Lewis & Clark denied me my minor by refusing to accept my credits from Portland State University after previously promising me that they would accept these "transferable credits"...yeah I'm still a little sore about that but I've gotten over it..anyway.)and had the priviledge and opportunity to dive deep in the rich heritage, history, and politics of my people - the African-Americans.


After hours of reading, files of essays, and garbage baskets of tear stained tissue it was time to do something.  I had realized the awesome sacrifice and commitment my forefathers and foremothers had given and it inspired me to somehow in my own corner of the world try ti make a difference in this country like they had. So I ran for office. Presidency of the Black Student Union. And I won.  And we organized all 22 African-Americans students out of 2000 white students.  Among staff and students we had gained respect, our voices were not only heard but embraced.  Other non-blacks joined our union. Our greatest goal was to employ an African-American professor on campus. Just one...that wouldn't be too much. Start small not too large.Because we knew our second greatest goal of attraction more African-American students to LC would only happen if we had a face, a voice, a reason to want to come.

Respectable and influentail professors and staff helped by advocating and activating our proposal and requests as far as they could take it.  All the way to "The Manor" aka LC's white house.  The official house or cabinet of people that had the money, ran the school, and made all the decisions.  We had the majority support of students and faculty and we had hope because we had been schooled in the thought of equality and acceptance that or view and voice mattered. After months of red tape, several meetings, and polite handshakes our request was denied because based on the President of the College point view the real majority (which happen to be an even small minority than our 22 BSU students)concluded that it was not necessary.  An african-american influence was not necessary....humm..not necessary.


For me this translated that my voice, my view, my presence, my contribution was only necessary when printing brochures, articles, and catalogs to "promote" diversity however my presence was not legitimate enough to govern change, dialogue, or influence.  And on the very campus where my love for my country, my people, and my contribution had budded, it also died.


But tonight as I soak up the view of the first African-American president. I feel something I have not felt in a very long time.  Don't get me wrong I am no longer a 13 or 21 year old lovesick girl romanced by the ignorance of complete peace or justice again.  President Obama is human just like I am he is broken just like all of us....but he has hope.  Not hope in himself, or the color of his skin, but in you and me again. The hope and belief that EVERYBODY MATTERS. And today HOPE WON.I chose not to wear make-up today because I just wanted to soak up the beauty of this day.  I did not have to curl my hair, line my eyes, or fill my lips because today just being me was enough.  The gray clouds and cool raindrops did not cloud the sunshine that is glowing in my spirit.All my life as much as I have tried to deny it growing up in Portland, Oregon I have tried to prove my worth, my equality, my intelligence.  We have had to always been a people who glorified our past we were told at the breast of our mothers, "Never forget where you come from." 


But today I just got to be present in today, in my history, in our history.For hundreds of years we have been made to feel tolerated, accepted, but last night America embraced and African-American man as their president.  There were no sirens, no dogs, no police, no recount.  Just a quiet lull a gentle breeze that whispered, "Change has come."I do not agree with all of Obama's politics or point of view. I do not idolize or worship him because of his skin. I am still unclear about his position of abortion. That was my heaviest burden "the truth", "the voice", and "the politics" of all the candidates were polarized and confusing.

I am no less of a Christian or more of an African-American because I voted for President Obama. I am still and will always be most importantly a child of God.
I admire him because of his poise and grace.  Did I chose Obama because he was Black..."No".  I chose Obama because he gave me back my hope. He showed me that it was OK to hope in the best possibility of broken people.  Instead of focusing on what divides us as a people he focused on what unites us.  Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream that one day his children would not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. 

Today as descendants of Africa, survivors of Jim Crow, and children of the Civil Right Movement my family, my people, and my country witnessed the dream. Ahhh what a beautiful sight.

PS Let us not put our trust in man, but in God alone. Continue to pray for our country and our new president, and you know what it really is ok to hope a little more again.

PSS Sorry about the typ-os. It's way past my bedtime!!

Having a Date with Me

Here I am again.  Blessed with another moment to take a little time out to reflect on the life that I've been given.  I was so anxious about the possibility of time and what direction it would go today. Ended up at one of my favorite spots-Borders Cafe, sippin on the best hot chocolate in town-the triple trio cocoa. White chocolate shavings, circles of milk chocolate sryup, and a mini dark chocolate bar all floating happily on whipped clouds of cream.  You know what I'm also realizing -I really like being with me. I love my man and my babies truly to the heart. I love my people, my girls, my family, all yall know I love you.  But I really, really love to be still, to feel the wind on my face, to hold the beauty of a leaf, a flower, the sky up close in full view.  Yeah.. in order to "become" you got to learn how to just be.   I hate always being in a rush.  It is not the way to start out your day. Today like usual started off in a hurry and in a  mess!! Literally the house was and is tore up, but this week I'm refusing to let it (the messes) get on the inside of me.Began reading in Galatians in The Message.  What stood out to me was the blessing of the man or woman who moves in accordance or direction to the life that God has mapped out for him/her.  Not one who sets out by manipulation, control, or fear but by faith and trust. So many times I'm running ahead, behind, or without you, slow me down Lord.

In the midst of it all my children were so jovial this morning, they are full of energy and wonder.  Sometimes I find myself just starring out them -wishing some of their zest for life will rub off on me. And if I slow down a little it usually does.

Like this morning
"You are holy, oh so holy, holy, so holy."  Nya begin serenading us over oatmeal and toast.Jalen couldn’t get enough giggling out of his system during devotion.Aliyah tried not to act like she wasn't getting her chuckles in also. We managed to get through our second day of our one year devotion that we started last week (go figure).

On the radio my new favorite family Doctor Kevin Lemann was on, talking once again about the family birth order and how that shapes our life.  Today in the 15 minutes that I had to listen in -the broadcast just happen to be about the tendencies of the first born. 

I admit I am a recovering firstborn.  I learned from Dr, Kevin that perfectionism will kill me excellence will propel me. The difference is excellence is based on the inside out"being the best at who I am",  perfectionism is based on the outside only "becoming who I think others want me to be" .

So I've been chosing these days to become excellent in taking care of me and my family first and maybe-just maybe that will be enough to spill out on to this world I tried for so long to conquer.

Today was an excellent day, I got a date with me, my husband gave me a good kiss before he left for work, my children got loved on even though my house didn't
And I've just decided that I'd rather keep my husband and children happy and have a tore up house than have a happy house and a broke down marriage and some tore up children.