My Life As Its Coming....Birthday Reflections

For many years I believed the lie that God was holding out on me. Didn't matter if I was single, married, with or without child, with or without money...never seemed like my life was coming out exactly the way I thought it should.

And if it wasn't God holding out on me then it must of course be me. So I would set up these lofty dreams or incredible obstacles thinking that if I succeeded as I made them than I was worthy and deserving of the outcome. That was cool until I couldn't reach those dreams or goals.

Having children will force you to place your dreams aside. It is an indescribable honor and privilege to have the responsibility of a life in your arms. The call of motherhood was something I knew naturally I was created to do,but I had to leave my career and dreams in motion to do it. So what was I suppose to do with visions of my own youth as I nurtured and developed my young? I didn't want dust to collect on days of yest er year before I remembered who I use to be or what I had hoped to become. At the same time, it was profusely unnatural for me to ignore, abandon, or neglect God's extraordinary gifts I get to unwrap everyday -my love-my children.

This has been the struggle I've been waking up to and going to bed trying to solve for some time now...how do I balance my God-sized dreams with the call of being a wife and mother. Is it possible to do both?

So on my birthday morning I'm playing spiritual horoscope with my daily bread devotional. For real...( but I don't recommend this..it doesn't always work out in your favor). I open the pages praying to God that He would once and for all soothe this aching conflict in my soul. It would be the greatest birthday gift.

And this is what it said,

Proverbs 3:5,6 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths."

Seriously? I think I memorized this verse at age 9....OK? So I'm praying and waiting for something new to come to light....

Huh...in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your "paths" Was the "s" always on paths...that's new.

So there is more than one way to go that will lead me to His designed destiny for my life?..I like that.

The New King James Bible expands the same verse and says "In all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall smooth or straighten your paths."


I'm loving that....It's so good to know that when I get off track (because I will) He will put me back on course, but I got to acknowledge Him and tell Him that I'm lost. And if the road is less traveled by or has detours or what seems to be unfinished roads, I gotta trust Him. He is the great, "I am". He is more than capable to make a way where there was once no way. I can't lean on my own understanding (because it doesn't always make sense). The ride will get bumpy,there are many deep and wide potholes along the way (because life can be hard and so unpredictable). Yet He has promised to smooth the way.


Oh and it gets even better....

13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,

14 for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.

15 She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.

16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.

17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.

18 She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed.


Now that's a birthday blessing. I get to have it all!

I gain wisdom, some rubies, a long life, some "bling bling", peace of mind, and the best part ....

As a momma (tree of life literally) my branches aren't disconnected from me, my dreams and my roles are one in the same. As their trunk, as I expand, mature and continue to grow my children will benefit from the fruit God is developing in my life. Even though it looks and feels like an undeveloped orchard sometimes. I will trust that this garden-my life....is, was, and will be His plan all along the way....let the journey unfold.

Freedom to Become

Well my
journey
called,
"Becoming" began about three years ago. I was in one of the most depleted and depressed seasons of my life I have ever experienced and didn't even know it. Yearning for rest and wholeness I signed up for my church's annual retreat. The name of the retreat was called, "The Encounter". The post-encounter classes and preparation of that early 2007 spring weekend was more challanging than any "retreat" I had ever prepared for. This was not going to be a hang out with your girlfriends, eat some chocolate, and craft your way to happiness weekend. No, no this retreat would be focusing on the disciplines of fasting, solitude, and confession. As rigid as this format first appeared to me, once I opened my heart to the process my soul drank in gulps of the Living Water I had been thristing for.

Psalm 23 became alive and active as I began to repent, rest, and be restored. God's presence pursued me in every word, song, testimony, and exercise. I was overwhelmed with a healing I had never experienced before-a healing that I had desired for over 25 years. Yes I knew Jesus as my Savior ever since I was a little girl, but as a grown woman I was still waiting for Him to be my Healer. I eagerly accepted Him in my heart at age 8, and at the age 9 I was molested by a close family member.

There were years when I felt like I was forever healed of the memory, free from every nightmare. Married to the love of my life, blessed with three beautiful children and the priviledge to raise them, I was living free. But then something would trigger me and once again I would become shadows of that little girl curled up in a ball, scared and all alone. Yes I had been healed in pieces by soulful sermons, supportive sisters, and soothing songs but it was never enough.

I think I hold the world's greatest record for altar call appearances. Every time the call would be given, "Is there anybody out there who wants to be healed from their past?", I came running.
"Is there a woman here tonight who is the victim of a childhood tragedy?", I like the woman with the issue of blood would muster up all the courage I had and make my way.

I made a deal with God that this weekend was it! I was sick and tired of carrying molded shackles of shame, insecurity, and abandonment. Exhausted of holding on to these chains that He promised to rid me of. I was willing to risk once again putting it all on the line, if He promised He would come for me. Faith is such a risky thing, especially when it is something you have offered in prayer over and over again. And over and over again the response is temparory, the response is silence, the response is nothing. And with each unanswered plea the remaining faith you do manage to hold on to, is as shriveled and dry as a cracked autumn leaf.

But that weekend, to my surprise and delight- God did come for me.

He gave me my story back. In the wee hours of the morning He woke me up and gave me the ending of "Telling the Secret"-a recollection of my childhood that I have started and stopped for over 10 years. Also during one of our sessions, our Pastor's Wife, looked me flat footed, eye to eye and proclaimed, "You will write your story. The book will be completed. It will be a tool for others to be healed and free."

He gave me rest. He led me to green pastures and still waters. On beknown to me, the retreat we stayed at had a beautiful lake and a small pasture with horses that on my "free time" I found the path to.

He gave me back my confidence. The covering and care of God's precious, spiritual warriors that led us through, to each and every woman's personal breakthrough gave me a renewed strength and comfort that God indeed was still all loving, and all powerful.

And then I came home.

And for three days and three nights I experienced the greatest spiritual, mental, and emotional battle I had ever "encountered" in my life. So extreme that I was admitted to the mental ward of the South Washiington Medical Clinic and Hospital. Yet even in those hospital walls I was still forever different. The work he begun at the encounter he set in to motion as soon as I left that mountaintop. Even my devasting breakdown was a breakthrough. He wanted to put into play the safety, support, and system, that would ensure my plea- to keep me forever be free.

And for the past 31 months I've been walking in that freedom. Some paths shaky, others glorious. This blog is being created to give you a snapshots of what that journey has been and continues to be for me. Every day......I am "becoming" more and more of what that once scared, but now hopeful little girl dreamed she would be.